One sentence (revised) plus five times two…

2013/05/28 § Leave a comment

This was my one sentence. I’ve decided to change it to this:

A young woman, harshly trained by her father in her early years, turns against her professors and the life chosen for her during her mercenary school’s graduation exam.

Why the change? I was envisioning this story as that of a wake-up call, the story of a woman who suddenly realizes that she’s on the wrong path and decides to change that, despite societal and parental pressures. Originally, I thought the change should happen after the woman starts her professional life (a bit as a mirror to my own life). However, after giving it some thought, I like it better if the change happens at graduation. It has stronger resonance (graduation as coming-of-age). Also, the woman not being an idiot, she doesn’t really need to go all the way to her first job to realize there is something wrong with the path chosen for her. I do not want to write a passive heroine. And I’ve added the part about her father, which will tell us about the world, and about who the woman is.

So I will have two intertwined stories: that of her training by her father, and that of her choices and actions during the graduation exam. Expanding these two stories into five sentences gives:

Her father’s harsh training…

– She is the daughter of a renowned and prosperous security consultant, who through harsh methods has been training her from her early years in the skills of the mercenary.

– Following her twelfth birthday, and every month thereafter, her father subjects her to a difficult test which she must pass to go on to the dojo, the mercenary school.

– Through her repeated and painful failures at the test, she grasps the main lesson her father wants to teach her.

– Having learned her lesson, she steadily improves in the test but still fails to pass it.

– She finally wins by committing a terrible act, and gets sent to the dojo, but still her father is disappointed.

The graduation exam…

– The graduating class is assembled and told what their exam will be; she is enthusiastic.

– During one of the tests, her best friend tries to kill a professor but fails and is gravely wounded.

– From her friend’s plight she realizes the ugliness of her chosen profession and decides to avenge him.

– While working to successfully complete the tests she sets up her trap for the professor.

– As the exam concludes, she and her friend provoke a deadly confrontation with the offending professor.

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